March 1 2011
Well this is THE hardest thing I have ever done. It’s not like losing a parent, I did that. It’s not like losing a friend, I’ve done that. It’s not like losing your sweet Grandma, I did that. It’s not even like losing a beloved little pet, I’ve done that too. This is difficult brought on by the pain of losing yourself and having to face the music.
I swore I would never do this. I have rolled my eyes at those who did. I have seen others do this, watched their lives unfold, publicly, and while some have been captivating and moving, I NEVER saw me in that place.
Today, I am there. I have never lain bare, who I am, the way I’m fixing to let it all hang out. But I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ve come to the end. I’ve reached that point where the only way out…is THROUGH. I say through because up forgets about the through. I’ve learned that, in God’s economy, coming up means coming through. But there is no magic to take me UP without getting the slime and muck of THROUGH all over the place.
I used to believe that I could conquer any demons, eventually, because nothing really had a stronghold on me. I thought that with prayer and confidence I would be able to just succeed in any area I wanted. I’m going on my 42nd year of life and I’m realizing that plan A is defunct. My Plan A has been secretly plotting behind my back and now it’s laughing at me…with a pointed finger!
As you know, I chose to become a mom in 2008 by having my daughter through artificial means. I hired donor goods to mingle with my goods and Voila’, thus produced the cutest baby alive. I am sad to say that her presence here has not been ENOUGH to shake me awake. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to say that, something I never thought I would admit out loud. It’s the honest truth. I love her more than life. I panic if even a THOUGHT of losing her comes into my head. I cannot imagine my life without her. What I have not been doing enough of is imagining HER life without me in it. That is a thought I try to squash. I don’t want to think about that. BUT…I’m facing that reality.
I am, per the doctor’s scale, 150 lbs OVER WEIGHT! Now…some of you, who know me, may NOT believe that, but I am. There..I admit it. And..folks…it gets better…NOT! I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes at week 28 of pregnancy and while I would LIKE to believe and during that time often told myself, was that it was JUST pregnancy, it happens to lots of skinny moms and it will all be okay after the baby gets here. It wasn’t okay. I pretended for almost a year and ½ that I was okay. I gained 30 lbs after Lailey was born and rarely gave a thought to my sugar levels until the first part of 2010. I just wasn’t feeling all that great and it never went away…that feeling of just general ill. My aunt, who was dying at the end of 2009, who had been overweight most of her adult life, had diabetes, heart problems and high blood pressure. I was staying with her and decided to use her glucose meter to test my blood sugar one day. It was 354! I almost died. It prompted me to go to the doctor and the short part of that story is I am a Diabetic. I have Type II Diabetes brought on by obesity. OBESITY. OBESITY…MORBID OBESITY. I absolutely LOATHE those words…obesity, morbid..all of it. I am now into month number 10 of that diagnosis and I’m STILL apparently telling myself, internally, emotionally, that I’m going to be okay. I went from NEVER taking so much as a Tylenol to taking 5 vital medications every single day. Medications that are doing everything they can to stave off the affects of this horrid disease AND killing me, all the while. Along with that diagnosis, the doc felt it necessary to stick the knife in even further. She went ahead and tacked on a diagnosis of Hypertension, high cholesterol and acid reflux. Because of my brother’s expertise, I know I have sleep apnea. A recent blood panel shows that I have “markers” for heart disease. I will tell you, I go to bed most nights in sheer mental terror, scared out of my mind that I will not wake up. But I DO wake up and then my car drives to McDonalds! I have a serious problem. And as embarrassing and difficult as it is, for my pride, my ego, my confidence to accept this fact and openly admit it I must. I am dying.
So that is all I can write today. I cannot tell you I have a “plan,” I cannot tell you I am even ready to do this. All I can tell you is…I’m GOING to do this. I will not continue down a road that will leave my daughter an orphan. I trust God. I trust His plan and I don’t have to fast and pray to know that what I’m doing to my body, my mind, my soul and ultimately my spirit is not pleasing to Him. Today…not tomorrow morning, not next Monday…but TODAY, this moment…I am choosing to stop dying and start living.
I don’t want your sympathies, I don’t want emails and comments, I just ask for your prayers. I ask that, should this move you, please pray for me. I need strength to conquer a devil that has been as close to me as anything in my life, a devil that hides in comfort, in a false sense of peace, of luxury, of happiness. This devil is my best friend and my mortal enemy. This devil solves my problems with a salve that I think I cannot live without, it licks my wounds of inadequacy and failure. It soothes away my bitterness and my resentments. It is there at my every breath, my lying down and my waking up. It pretends to be my everything and as smart as I think I am, I’ve been powerless to deny it any strength over my life.
This is what I know…I know that I have the power, given to me by the Spirit of God, living in me, to change who I am. I know that I am loved and there is a plan for my life that far exceeds anything I could ever dream. I know that the Word of God is living and active. I believe and have experienced, in my own life, the physical power the Word can impart. Hebrews 4:12 says that the Word of God is sharper than a 2 edged sword and that it has the power to judge my thoughts and my attitudes and divide them. I BELIEVE that to mean the Word is the key to attacking and breaking down the thoughts and imaginations that cause me to abuse my body. That is where I will start. I ask for your prayers and good thoughts as I begin my mon voyage.