July 24, 2010

Letting Go

Since L was born, almost 2 years ago, I've been away from her at night 3 times.  The first time was nearly one year ago to the day when my mom, brother and sis in law came to Nashville to help move me to OK.  We had been packing all day and was KONKED out.  I needed to make a stop at a friends house so they all went on home and took the baby with them.  I called a little while later to see if things were okay and was informed that "grammy" and baby were passed out in the bed together.  My dear friends offered for me to stay the night with them, knowing that I had a house full of people and would have to sleep on the sofa.  It was like making a life changing decision!  My heart was so squeezed tight with emotion that I thought I would have a panic attack.  I reasoned that L was very comfortable with mom and if they were already asleep and no sign of waking, why not just stay and have a bed to myself and let them sleep.  L was(still is) a very good sleeper and usually, once asleep, stays asleep.  I instructed my sis in law to just call me if she woke up and couldn't be consoled, and I would be there in minutes.  Much to my surprise, after settling my heart down, I was able to fall asleep and slept like a...well...baby.  It was nerve wracking but GLORIOUS to have the bed to myself (me and baby were co-sleepers til a few months ago).

The next time she slept away from mommy was about 5 weeks ago when my brother and sis in law were visiting...again...this time at the lake.  Mom, who lives across the street, came over one evening and L decided she wanted to go home with Grammy.  It was bed time and she was bathed, pajamed, and she insisted on leaving with Grammy.  I let her go.  She kissed us all goodbye and I figured I would get a call shortly to come get her.  I never heard a word.  I got in bed and laid there, almost with hurt feelings that my baby girl was away from home.  Again...after the initial shock, I fell asleep and slept like the dead.

Tonight, L has chosen to stay with Grammy. (I think grammy had a little bit to do with this since we are leaving for a couple of weeks and she's having a slight heart attack at the thought of being without her yay yay).  Mommy has been home for almost an hour now and no word from them.  I'm always a little amazed at this, as she is very into our bedtime routine and will pitch an absolute fit if I veer from it.  I know grammy does things her own way...and maybe that is why L likes it.  It's a change, it's fun, it's grammy.

I'm a little anxious and....I don't know...is lonely the word?  I can't really say what the emotion is.  I feel a little lost without her even if it's just a few hours and most of it will be sleep time.

To say I love this girl is not even a fraction of how I feel.  There ARE no words for what my heart feels for her.  I miss her, during the day, when I'm working and she stays with my mom. There are nights that I can't let her drift to sleep for kissing and canoodling her.  There are nights I cannot sleep for going into her room and climbing into her bed just to snuggle her or stroke her little chubby face.  I cannot get enough of her.  I thoroughly enjoy my daughter.  I love to talk to her, snuggle in bed with her, read with her, play with her, eat my meals with her, watch Max & Ruby together.  I love every single thing about being her mom and her "friend" as she now calls me.  We were made for each other...me and that lil curly top.  She gives me more purpose than anything ever has and overshadows every single negative, failure, heartache, I've ever had.  I thank God, every day, for this miracle. The miracle of being a mom.  I pray for wisdom and revelation, DAILY, to be everything she needs.  It's a huge task but the reward fulfills me to the core.

Happy Weekend ya'll!  I smoked my first rack of spare ribs tonight.  It ROCKED the house.  I'll post details at my J'EET YET page soon!  Toodles!

1 comment:

  1. Wow, this was a powerful post. What wee lot of hormones I have left are all tore up over this business! You're a great mom Lana, Lailey is one blessed little lamb. Hope to see you soon when you're in town!